The Single Christian Girl and The Celebrity Crush

My first celebrity crush was Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Randy, the middle child from Home Improvement, held my heart, and his face decorated my bedroom walls. The death of Mufasa in The Lion King hit me especially hard because JTT captured the depth of Simba’s despair beautifully.  I owned all of his other movies on VHS.

I wrote Jonathan (we were on a first name basis in my imagination) a letter telling him of my love for him and my admiration for his great talent as an actor. I even sprayed it with perfume before I learned from Elle Woods that was the cool thing to do. I can only assume the letter got lost in the mail because I never received a response.

I wish I could say that JTT was my last celebrity crush and that I quickly grew out of occupying my thoughts with such fairy tales. But Cinderella ruined me, and since the princes of the world seem to be mostly taken, dreaming about a hot celebrity rescuing me from obscurity seems to be the next best thing.

In my vast experience, I’ve learned that you can separate the celebrity crushes of single Christian ladies into 3 major categories.

Celebrities (duh)

These are your run of the mill celebrities. My 29-year-old-grown-up-girl crush is Theo James. Google him if you aren’t already picturing his perfectly chiseled jaw and brown eyes that peer directly into your soul.

This fantasy always has to be coupled with the flirt to convert tactic. We know we’re not supposed to marry non-believers, so Jesus needs to win his heart before you do. In my mind, it works out beautifully.

“No, Theo. It would never work. I never intended for you to fall in love with my free spirit and hilarious personally that I hide from the rest of the world (cuz let’s be honest–I didn’t win you with my looks), but Jesus is the most important person in my life. I could never be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way.”

Theo walks away crushed. He finds me six months later and declares he found Jesus through the pain of my rejection. I get a hot husband. Theo gets eternal life. Jesus gets a celebrity on His team. It’s a win for everyone involved.

Christian Celebrities

When I went to my first Passion Conference in 2006, I walked away dreaming about 2 things–speaking on that stage one day and marrying Chris Tomlin.

Neither happened. Chris Tomlin has been happily married for awhile now, and I still live in (mostly) happy obscurity.

As a general rule, the Christian celebrity usually falls into the category of worship leader or member of a Contemporary Christian Music band. There are the Christian athletes too, but my current Christian celebrity crush is comedian John Crist.

I know nothing about him except that he makes me laugh. At this point, the only things I haven’t crossed off the list of characteristics I’d want in my future husband (that I made in 7th grade) are believer and funny.

I mean all I want is a man who loves Jesus and has a great sense of humor, but it’s actually kinda hard to find a single Christian guy who doesn’t take things a little too seriously and won’t find it offensive when I send him a video depicting Hitler getting angry learning about the FastPass Plus situation at Walt Disney World which I still happen to find hilarious. I digress…

I imagine Sarah and John’s love story goes something like this–I go to one of John’s shows, we meet almost accidentally, everything that comes out of my mouth is hilarious and natural, he falls instantly for my charming wit and because of this unexplainable glow that comes from me.

It’s not the glow that indicates I need to powder my nose. It’s a glow that says, “This girl has a journaling Bible where she draws beautiful artwork while communing with God over coffee every morning before she goes to work at a non-profit helping to feed orphans.” This is the glow I imagine is needed to win over a Christian celebrity.

That’s how it plays out in my head, but I don’t have that glow. I laugh when people add funny subtitles to a clip from a movie about WWII.

While the Christian Celebrity Crush fantasy might seem more likely to come true because flirting to convert is not a factor, they still don’t know you exist making flirting a challenge period. So there’s still that hurdle.

Tim Tebow

The rules for the Christian celebrity apply here, but this blue-eyed-Jesus-loving-gift-from-God deserves his own category. Every single Christian girl has dreamed about saving this man from his singleness. If you haven’t, you’re lying.

The Juggling Act

I can barely juggle one ball, but I’m an expert at juggling my crushes. At any one point I can be daydreaming about Theo and then jump to John because Theo would never work out because he’s not a Christian.

But I’ll never meet John, so let’s dream about this guy who actually knows I exist (well kinda, but we’ve at least been in the same room before). Oh wait–daydreaming about someone I could talk to in real life has the dangerous possibility of real rejection. Oh hey there, Theo, you’re looking lovely today and safe.

Yeah I went there.

The truth is I’m afraid. As a 29-year-old who has never had any man show real interest in her, I’m afraid that there’s something wrong with me. I am afraid that the only way I’ll know what it’s like to have a man choose me is if I imagine it in my head.

So I hold on to these silly daydreams because it’s easier than trusting God with a real dream that means so much to me.

God’s patience astounds me because He knows that I am loved and chosen and wanted. He knows I know these things too, but sometimes they don’t feel true. Maybe because I daydream about guys I’ll never meet instead of reminding myself of the truth.

But God reminds me. In the midst of my sad juggling act, He gently whispers, “My love is the only thing you need to hold onto. Even when you drop it, I’ll never let go of you. You’re mine because I chose you at your worst and gave up everything to love you. I also know you better than you know yourself, but even you know that if you actually met any of those guys, you wouldn’t be able to form 2 coherent sentences.”

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